Kind of a loaded title–I know
But apt. So apt. Boy oh Boy.
When I closed the computer after writing On the Passing of Ram Dass, I thought that was it. I had described, as best I could, a single moment with him. An expansive, mind-blowing, transformative, yet extraordinarily simple, single moment–part of a day filled with transformative moments at the Open Your Heart in Paradise retreat on Maui in 2010.
Everyone at the retreat had such moments; seeing Ram Dass in his wheel chair approaching the dinner table that night was mine. It was as if the air reverberated with the sound of a great silent bell, and time–just stopped. That moment is a koan I carry about with me. The memory of it stops thought. It is a great gift, among many I received from Ram Dass. And so, after trying to describe that moment and the onion-peeling and surrender that happened before, it seemed my work was done: a tribute, I hoped, to the beloved, funny, brilliant, later, almost silent teacher, whose acts of devotion radically transformed spirituality and spiritual culture. And who, though that’s a story for another time, saved me from a dark hole of despair. I had never written about it before, and had talked about it to only two people. Sharing that moment with Ram Dass felt like coming out of a spiritual closet. I shut the computer. It was done. Time to return, I thought, to carrying water and chopping wood.
But then something happened.
Prequel and Sequel. In Be Here Now, Ram Dass writes about the great cosmic joke–that no matter where you think you are, you are right here, right now. You are always, already here, now.
After I completed my last post and shared it with a couple of people I thought might like to read it, I tried to put it away. Around the planet, at this moment people continue to grieve and celebrate Ram Dass; when I closed the computer that evening, I thought that was what I had done. Grieved and Celebrated. But that was not the plan.
The Prequel
For a couple of months, I had been thinking about the images my husband and I had taken on Maui. I hadn’t seen them in years. Those were early days for us of smart phones and camera apps. On Maui, we took photos on my phone and with a “real” camera. It was a period of transition for us. We had moved the year after the retreat, unplugged the computers and TV and moved fully into our new life. I kept my smart phone; he checked in at the library. For nine years I knew those pictures were somewhere, but I wasn’t worried about them. They drifted out of my consciousness. Two months before Ram Dass’ transition, I couldn’t stop thinking about them.
Two in particular kept buzzing around my consciousness. One of us posed at the beautiful Buddhist statue at the temple near the Mala Ramp in Lahaina, and the other, the topic of my previous blog post, a photo of Ram Dass and me.
After I let my mind forget about them for a day or so, my husband found the image of us at the temple he had uploaded to facebook nine years ago and forgotten, and I found my much shared, pixilated, treasured image of me with Ram Dass. For me it is an image of lila: of how our desires manifest when we surrender, and of how what comes with those manifested desires–the shattering of time, the sudden understanding of, as Ram Dass called it, The Only Dance There Is–makes us realize the thing desired was not actually that which was desired at all, but evidence of it–which is connection, enlightenment, love.
My husband found the first picture on October 25, Ram Dass left the body on December 22, I closed my computer on December 23. The holidays happened and my friends, both those who loved Ram Dass and those who had never heard of him, showed pictures of their trees and candles and holiday feasts. Ram Dass taught Karma Yoga, the business of getting on with life but dedicating it all. He never wanted the message to be about him or taught that his way, Bhakti Guru Kripa, was the only way. So trees, lights, feasts, Hanukkah candles–it all just goes ahead and that’s fine. It’s part of The Only Dance There Is—Grist for the Mill.
The Sequel
I was trying to be finished with my post, but it kept at me. There is this battle many of us have going on about the ego. We feel that we’re supposed to give it up. We work so hard to give it up, and of course, the working just strengthens its resolve. Because after all, who is doing all that work? And so my ego and I resolved to write no more! Well . . . maybe just this instagram post. Okay, maybe just this facebook post. It was like holding back a river.
Then on December 27, a message popped into my inbox. It was from Shutterfly. I hadn’t realized I still had an active Shutterfly account! I had barely used it (probably because I ran out of free storage) it said, “Your memories from nine years ago,” relive this memory.
It was Maui.
And the moment expanded as time stopped. There they were. And here they are. Photos I had forgotten and remembered. Lots of them. There are not too many from the retreat at Napili Kai. I was shy about taking pictures, thinking I should just be able to hold onto something so important.
Mainly they are moments with my husband that are precious. Irreplaceable images of transition and continuation. The way one mala bead leads to the next and the next and the next while in each bead we are simultaneously there and here.
And there was also, in all its unpixelated clarity, the photo of me with Ram Dass at table. And another, I never shared. Boy oh Boy. The lovely, brilliant, cosmic humor of it all. How utterly amazing. What gratitude to be included in the joke! And to be given another koan to stop my mind just when I needed it.
There seemed to be a pretty clear message delivered in the Ram Dass voice of the pre-stroke days.
Write about the Whole Trip!
And since I’m not sure what the means yet, I’m going to close the computer lid again.
But not before I post links to the best places to find Ram Dass’ work, and to support the ongoing work of the Love, Serve, Remember Foundation. LSR has spent years and countless hours preserving Ram Dass’ work, making many of his teachings free and available for everyone, assisting Ram Dass after his stoke, and much, much more.
Visit RamDass.org to find books, films, malas, other devotional items and connect with Ram Dass Satsang. Spend time with the Be Here Now Network to listen to recordings of Ram Dass’ teachings, as well as those of Sharon Salzberg and many others.
And subscribe to Baba Ram Dass on youtube to access free recordings and videos of his teachings from the early years until now.
Finally, I should mention that there is still one more image of me with Ram Dass that is missing. I’m fine with that. Well, maybe I am. We’ll see how long the computer lid stays closed. In the meantime–
Enjoy the Cosmic Dance!
Do you have experiences or thoughts about Ram Dass and this teachings or experiences of synchronicity? How have they affected your life? Share in the comments below–I’d love to share them with you.